Thursday, October 30, 2008

Kind of a sick one

A waiter goes up to a customer in a restaurant and the customer orders a bucket of warm shit. The waiter literally cannot believe his ears and asks the customer to repeat the order. Again, the customer, very clearly, asks for a bucket of warm shit. The waiter shrugs and goes to the manager, who says do your best to accomodate him, customer is always right.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

New Stock Market Terms

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

i have far too many poop stories

i have far too many poop stories
my flatmate shat in a plastic bag, froze it and then put it in with my mate's luggage, so when he got to jersey customs everyone would wonder where that strange smell was coming from.

they also pooped in one of my mate's rolled up posters as he was moving out of our uni residence. as far as i know it's still in the rolled up poster.

one more, one day after about three days of non-pooping i let a big one go. flushed and thought nothing more of it. few hours later i walked past the bathroom to see four flatmates standing around the toilet in a state of astonishment. it turns out that the poop was huge and hadn't been delivered past the u-bend. i didn't think that much of it but my flatmates were deeply fascinated, proclaiming it to be made of "dark matter" and looking "like a trout poking it's head out from under some rocks." they still mention it to this day. i'm soo glad i moved out.